Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i came on her dog
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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