is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
