did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
