I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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