She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
