Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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