Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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