Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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