Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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