two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
