Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
