Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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