I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I lost the right to judge tonight
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
