I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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