it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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