I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We're too hungover to prance.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
