Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize