I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
