sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
