twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Randomize
