I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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