for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
