my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
