I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
