Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
