Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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