I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
