if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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