i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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