That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
