god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
