there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize