So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
