I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
