I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
