I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm too high and old for this...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
