Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
