I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
