so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
