at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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