if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
