I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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