On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up under a house in Key West
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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