I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
