Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
