haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
