Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize