Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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