Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
