Please, let me fuck your mom
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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