i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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