Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
