i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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