I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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