You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
