Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
