Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
