Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
