His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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