what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
