Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize