I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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